I have made a few reveals. This finally in my 21 year old life probably because I have had several experiences. Some good and some not so great.
The thing is and I don't want to be the bearer of bad news but society, authors, and our education system lies to us about it. They glamorize it in a way that makes it seem that if you have it then you won't have any relationship problems and that is wrong. I believe in the truth. In knowing that romance is really, really based on sex. The bad news is if you don't like sex or are embarrassed about it then you won't easily have a happy relationship or marriage. Thank goodness, I love sex and anything remotely sexually arousing but I realize most people find it embarrassing despite it being something completely natural.
Another thing. Romance, love whatever you wish to call it is an attraction. A pull that seems to illogically pull you to a person and make you think about them. That first stage is where most people seem to be most happy at until they get to know somebody and realize the person's character is not who they truly like or would want in an individual who is to be by their side.
But! It should be realized that it's okay. One needs to realize that if you were drawn to them in the first place it was for a reason. Sure it might be chemical and biologically oriented but once you choose to seriously engage with someone you can choose to try to better understand someone and you'll realize if you ask and openly talk honestly with that person you are drawn to that even their character flaws have reasons and because of this you might see they aren't really flaws. We are all complex, after all. Although some more than others.
And so it becomes clear that some out there say that after 4 years a guy gets bored with his lady. Well, that's stupidity. Simply because I'll tell you this. Think about it. With our families we do catch ourselves feeling at times like we don't know them completely. Why not a lover?
We try to make ourselves believe that we can know a person completely through a routine of living side by side with them, day by day but even then why is it we can't express everything we think or why we do the things we do.
It's because the human brain and so us are so complicated we could never be predicted.
And yes predicting another person is knowing them.
In other words, just because you think you know someone doesn't mean you do. I would argue that this is why there is cheating. And only after someone cheats does the other person discover that, the other person was actually unhappy. Lack of communication. You have to even if it embarrasses you or you think your lover will think you are insane at certain things you talk about.
Another thing where a relationship falls apart. The thought or sentiment out there that if you are too similar then you will likely get bored with each other. This is wrong too.
I argue that for any relationship to work you need people with your similar mindset because if you have different values then you will clash whether in how you see sex (religious people I have noticed tend to view sex as sinful even though it can't be because it feels really good and produces innocent creatures like babies) or how you approach money and or how important physical looks are to you.
If you differ in the values you hold most important then your relationship will fail. It is here you need to be honest and show off how you really approach things that way you let the other person know how you really tend to act and really think. Don't pretend to be something you are not so that you can simply keep their interest because this is detrimental in the long-run. You need to show them your flaws so that they aren't surprised later on.
Still another benefit of choosing lovers who are similar to you is though you may be on the same page even here they can never be the same and thus boring because there is only one you and one them. Not only that but trust me, even similar people eventually disagree on something eventually and that should provide a good challenge to the relationship. So again opposites attract is a complete myth. A deadly one.
But really the biggest hit to an ultimate attraction set in motion is the fact that a lot of people cheat. It seems but that is totally wrong. Think about it. A lot of people even say they didn't do it because they wanted to but because it sort of just happened.
Translation. There was likely something up with the relationship. It's inescapable. People are unhappy and do things only for a reason. But what they need to realize is what they are missing is just this. There would always be a void in a relationship something missing.
And if you think. No that's not possible. It was different at the start. No. That was our bodies igniting us to force us to connect so we can get to what it wants, us to have sex, procreate. That was fantasy not reality. But we can choose to afterwards manipulate it to our means so that we can obtain a meaningful companionship.
The only exception to something that makes the relationship miserable is if it is about sex (perhaps you needing more) or lack of an emotional connection. If so, okay. Tell your lover it is no longer working out so that you guys can go your separate ways and keep looking. You shouldn't feel embarrassed about having to make it about sex since your not cheapening what "love" or what I call the ultimate attraction is. In the first place, something unexplainable drew you to them. Which was entirely originated from our drive to have sex with them. So if you don't think sex is important in a romantic relationship you aren't really seeing things as they are. That aside, an emotional connection too is important, both of these things, are needed. Although if you are lucky some people aren't as needy in the emotional department. Meaning they will like more alone time than you would expect.
Finally, let's talk about how to avoid you cheating. Simple. First realize that some people will not, I repeat, will not stay in a relationship where someone has cheated because they have self-worth and when you have dignity you don't let the person you thought cared and wanted you walk all over you. Now, if you are a person thinking about or feeling tempted, judge whether that pull as in that lust you are getting with someone else is worth more in comparison to your current lover. I would choose the strongest pull. If you notice the pull overwhelms you more with someone that is not your lover then, let your current lover know. Sometimes just breaking off the relationship then can leave you guys both room to see what more is out there and will more importantly leave things off amicably and preserved as a nice memory. Rather one filled with hurt and betrayal. You see you trying to spare them pain by being kind causes more pain. Be truthful outright.
It's important this get understood. Since the pull is real, people. I'll explain, in my life I have only ever had the ultimate attraction 6 times. Or what others would call been in love. First: when I was 4. I know young. Second: In Elementary school. Third: In Elementary school. Fourth: In middle school. Sixth: In middle school. Fifth: In high school. Sixth: In high school.
As you might have guessed. What society thinks is wrong. You can "fall in love" at a young age especially if you are mature for your age.
Of course, I always broke it off because unlike others who get a thrill from the rollercoaster feelings, I simply feel like it is a loss of control. Like an insanity and one of my character traits, unfortunately, is wanting control or to dominate. I know weird for a woman. While it was pleasant it was exhausting. But let me tell you something. Even when I really cared and wanted the 5 guys and 1 girl I always held what I call small attractions for other guys and girls. Sometimes I would flirt involuntarily or give lustful glances that of course got picked up by others. Yet as soon as it happened I would get this feeling like I was disgusted with my own behavior and would pull back. As you can tell it confused tons of guys. And it always embarrassed me because it made me question what kind of person I was. A person with no self-control. The thing is looking back on it, it was all due to a purely physical attraction aspect. Nothing more and I am not superficial. Since I tend to potentially be just as easily attracted to a person's personality as looks. It depends. If their personality and character is winning and there is a spark there I will go for it, appearances be damned.
But that isn't the issue, the problem is unlike what others want, to know less of their lover, so as to keep it fresh, I actually want the opposite. I want to know someone completely and them me. If not, I know I could never really be happy and thus I could never make someone else happy. It's funny how I want the unattainable and something that is counter to what others want.
Anyway back to, how to, avoid cheating second, if you are happy enough with the intellectual and emotional aspects of your current lover why not, well, not cheat? You can always stay and as a suppement utilize self-pleasuring. Eventually we'll get old and we won't be as sexual as we used to be so one can say sometimes companionship might be an option to consider.
Finally, I have to make this as direct as possible for dads or moms that cheat in marriages, know, that it isn't just a spouse that gets hurt. Your children will, without, a doubt get hurt by your betrayal. No. Unlike what some movies like Colorful (an anime movie I reviewed in the past on the blog) say, no, there truly cannot be forgiveness. You see one has grown to biologically trust a parent and when that trust is destroyed there is no going back. One always feels an overwhelming hatred toward both the parent that cheated and the other man or woman who cheated with mom or dad. Why? Because think about it. It invalidates the family unit. Rendering it useless and when this happens one truly doesn't feel connected to the parent that cheated. All owing to the fact that children like mom or dad are territorial. And it's normal if we weren't, men, wouldn't want to get women pregnant and have babies in the first place. And yes, they are the ones who want babies. More than the woman! Why ? Because they like the idea of having a part of themselves accepted and inside a woman.
That's why when it comes to cheating. Don't delude yourself. Excuses are mere excuses. You are lowest of the low if you do, do it, even if society doesn't find out. And quite frankly unworthy and inconsiderate.
As you may have guessed all this ultimate attraction or what "love" is, is very tricky. Do I think monogamy is unnatural or impossible. No. It isn't. And the best way to achieve it, is by always taking stock of the pull of attraction and making comparisons but also reminding yourself of that first moment of when you first felt the ultimate attraction and all those moments built between the two of you that were wonderful and if you are willing to face the consequences of how your lover will feel in knowing he/she has been cheated on. And I'd be careful. More and more people especially women are deciding to leave unfaithful guys because let's face it, this is about their importance as people and there will always be more guys out there.
All in all monogamy is very hard to keep together and quite frankly it is only those who know what the ultimate attraction or what "love" really is, who will be able to achieve it. And if they can be ok with a lover that exists in fragments.
"A lover exists only in fragments, a dozen or so if the romance is new, a thousand if we're married to him, and out of those fragments our heart constructs an entire person. What we each create, since whatever is missing is filled by our imagination, is the person we wish him to be. The less we know him, of course, the more we love him. And that's why we always remember that first rapturous night when he was a stranger, and why this rapture returns only when he's dead"
- Andrew Sean Greer
I, for one cannot be satisfied with that. In my view, the satisfaction and in turn happiness is in the consummation. What we need is the reality not the fantasy.